


Big Big Oof

by PaleNoFace, zacizach



Series: Tree Bros Adventures [15]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Betrayal, Chatting & Messaging, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Deserves Better, Dead Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Evan Didn't Lie, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends Are Weird, Internalized Homophobia, Jared somehow becomes the main character, Jewish Evan Hansen, Jewish Jared Kleinman, One-Sided Attraction, Other, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Tags Are Hard, Tags are all over the place sorry, Texting, a bunch of them actually, but for some reason there's fluff, haha see that deh reference?, mostly angst, one is sleep deprived the other is on constant sugar high, ooc???, or title for that matter, send help, so are we, so much betrayal, sorry about that, tbh the story is a lot less funny than the tags, the authors completely gave up, these kids are a mess, we have no idea how to tag, we're flying blind tbh, we're making this so unnecessary dramatic, who knows oof, zac how did that happen what did we do
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2019-10-15 00:36:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17518856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaleNoFace/pseuds/PaleNoFace, https://archiveofourown.org/users/zacizach/pseuds/zacizach
Summary: That one AU where Evan told the truth, all the truth and only the truth, but it's a mess all the same.





	1. Chapter 1

Maybe, if Connor tried really hard, he could trick himself into thinking that everything was fine. Maybe, if he squinted hard enough, only looked at Evan smiling in the cool shade the tree offered and nothing else, he could convince his brain that the future was shiny and full of promises. Maybe, if he made abstraction of everything until all he could see was light, he could pretend that it was going to be a good day, a good week, a good year.

 

Maybe, just for once, he could try to believe.

 

___________________________________________________________________________

 

Evan was typing his letter for Dr Sherman when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He looked at his digital clock, then at his door, before fishing his old smartphone from his kakis. He smiled, just a little, at the name blinking on the screen. He opened the text.

 

**see you after school, usual spot?**

 

He was about to reply to his mom poked her head into the room.

 

"So, you just decided not to eat last night?"

 

Evan slammed his laptop shut by reflex and looked at her, fighting back a comment about doors and the utility of knocking on them.

 

"Oh, hum, actually, I ate outside with my friend last night? So that's why the, hum, the money was still on the counter."

 

Heidi blinked, her expression softening.

 

"Oh, you did? That's- well, that's good. I mean I'd like to know when you're out, but... This is what you're supposed to be working on anyway. Talking to people, engaging with people... Not running away from people."

 

Evan sighed and scratched the side of his nose.

 

"Right. But yeah, I'm getting better already, I think. I mean, I still can't talk to the delivery person when they come to the door because then they have to make change and you have to stand there while it's silent and they're counting the change and- Hum." He sighed and looked at her again. "It's easier if it's someone I know."

 

She smiled, but it wasn't a true smile, it was the tired one that didn't reach her eyes completely and made Evan die a little inside. He glared back down at his computer.

 

"And that's why I made you an appointment with Dr. Sherman for this afternoon. I'll pick you up right after school, what do you say ?"  
"But," he frowned, still not meeting her gaze, "I already have an appointment next week."  
"And I thought maybe you could use something a little sooner."

 

He turned around. His mom was a living paradox, looking too old for her age and too young for this shit. He hated that he was the reason why she was like this. She made her way out, turning back at the last moment to ask :

 

"Hey, have you been writing those letters to yourself? Dear Evan Hansen. This is gonna be a good day and here's why."  
"I started one."  
"Those letters are important, honey," she sing-sang, "they're going to help you build your confidence. Seize the day!"

 

Evan tried really hard not to roll his eyes. He failed.

 

"I guess."

 

She came up behind him and put her hands on his shoulders, but he didn't say anything despite how uncomfortable he was growing.

 

"I don't want another year of you sitting at home on your computer every Friday night because your friend had something planned without you."

 

He sighed again.

 

"Neither do I."

 

She smiled at him and left the room, humming a catchy tune and -bless her- shutting the door behind her. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to steady the weird feelings boiling up inside of him. After a couple of deep breaths, he grabbed his bag lying around and stuffed his books and his computer in it, before remembering that he still had a text to answer.

 

**Hey, yes absolutely, but my mom took an appointment for me to the therapist so I'll probably have to go to the computer lab before the end of the day to finish my letter because I guess Sherman will want to see it? I'm sorry that wasn't planned at all I hope it's okay with you.**

 

It took approximately five seconds for the other to answer, which was good because it wasn't enough time for him to overthink his response.

 

**don't worry it's fine. i'll meet you there. btw bring a sharpie so i can sign your cast**

 

**Sure. See you there.**

 

He was in the kitchen packing his lunch when his mom passed by with the dirty laundry basket under her arm.

 

"Mom, do we have a Sharpie around?"

 

She put down her load and frowned, thinking about it.

 

"Pretty sure you have one in your desk, Honey. Or, wait- Here, take this one," she said, opening a drawer, "It's new. What do you need it for?"  
"Uuuh," Evan felt his hands starting to sweat. "I-I was thinking of making people sign my cast. Maybe Jared would-"  
"That would be the perfect icebreaker, wouldn't it?" she grinned happily.  
"...Perfect," he faked a smile and took the pen.  
"I'm proud of you already," she insisted, her hand back on his shoulder.  
"Oh. Good."

 

As he made his way to the front door, Heidi followed him.

 

"I'll drive you to school."  
"I can walk," he replied.  
"At least take the bus?"  
"...I'll walk."

 

She smiled and nodded, probably realizing that this was a battle she had no way to win. He still could feel her eyes on the back of his head as he practically powerwalked out of view. He knew she only cared about him, but sometimes... It was just too much.

 

As expected, it took him a while to reach the school - not that it mattered, really, since he left home pretty early. Earphones on, eyes stuck on the floor, he tried to avoid any visual contact. But then he caught sight of a battered pair of lilac Converse and star-covered cuffs of jeans. Zoe. He glanced up, blinking as she brushed past him, completely unaware of his existence. The day got suddenly brighter because Zoe was here, Zoe was beautiful and smiling and perfect and Evan-

 

"How was your summer?"

 

Evan let out an undignified yelp and jumped, eyes widening as they landed on Alana, _the almighty Alana_ , standing in front of him and smiling. He took away his earphones and wiped his palms.

 

"I'm sorry, my-"  
"Mine was productive," she immediately continued now that she had his attention. "I did three internships and ninety hours of community service. I know, wow !" she laughed, waving awkwardly her hands on each side of her face.  
"Yeah, that's, wow- That's impressive."  
"Even with all that," she continued, "I still made some great friends. Or I guess acquaintances, more like."

 

Evan shook himself out of his confused state and fidgeted with the sharpie in his pocket, eventually holding it out for her.

 

"Do you-" he started, only to be cut again.  
"Oh my God!" she gasped, "What happened to your arm?!"  
"Oh, I, uh... broke it climbing a tree..." he admitted sheepishly.  
"Oh, really? My grandma broke her hip getting into the bathtub in July," Alana kept on rambling, so Evan just put the pen back where it belonged. "That was the beginning of the end, the doctors said. Because then she died."

 

Evan stared. Alana kept smiling. Evan was definitely not equipped to handle a normal conversation, even less this one. Alana stared for a moment before chirping:

 

"Well, have a great first day!"

 

Before running away, probably to talk someone else's ear off. He swallowed. He could do it. This was nothing, after all: go to his locker, get rid of his books, go to class. Easy. Or at least that was what was planned before Jared came along.

 

"Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much or do you consider that an honor ?" his friend -sorry, _family friend_ \- asked as he hit his shoulder a little harshly.

 

If Evan got annoyed by the question, he made a great deal of not showing it.

 

"I didn't... That's not what happened."  
"Paint me a picture," Jared sniggered and pushed him again, more playfully this time, "You're in your bedroom, you've got Zoe Murphy's Instagram up on your weird off-brand cell phone..."  
"That's not what happened," Evan insisted. "Obviously. I was, hum, I was climbing a tree. And I fell."  
"...You fell out of a tree ?" the other boy snorted. "What are you, an _acorn_ ?"  
"Well I was, I don't know if you know this, but- I worked this summer as an apprentice park ranger at Ellison State Park. I'm sort of a tree expert now, not to brag..." he trailed off, seeing as Jared was staring with his laugh barely contained. "...Anyway. I tried to climb this forty-foot oak tree."  
"And... you fell ?"  
"Well, except it's a funny story, see, because there were this solid two minutes after I fell, where I just lay there on the ground waiting for someone to come and get me? Any second now, I kept saying to myself. Any second now, here they come."

 

Jared's laugh died for a second.

 

"Did they?"  
"A-Actually, yes. I forgot I was climbing the tree with someone else and I just- They were there to bring me to the hospital."  
"Jesus Christ."

 

Evan shrugged, growing uncomfortable, before trying to make a diversion.

 

"How was- What did you do for the- You had a good summer?"

 

Nailed it.

 

"Well my bunk dominated in capture the flag and I got to second-base-below-the-bra with this girl from Israel who's going to, like, be in the army... So yeah, I think that answers your question."

 

Evan realized that they were making their way to their classroom when he almost bumped into a random kid. Looking down to duck any unwanted interaction, he took his sharpie again and hold it out for Jared.

 

"Do you want to sign my cast?"  
"Me?" the other frowned, stopping in the middle of the hallway and blocking the circulation like it wasn't going to increase Evan's anxiety.  
"I mean we're... friends..."

 

At that, he earned the flattest look one could possibly make.

 

"We're 'family' friends," Jared corrected, even going as far as air-quoting it. "That's a whole different thing and you know it. Anyway," he said after a moment, and they went back to walking, "Tell your mom to tell my mom that I was nice to you or else my parents won't pay for my car insurance."

 

Someone slammed their locker near them. Evan looked up, meeting eyes for the first time this day. Heterochromatic eyes. Something warmed in his chest. Jared decided to ruin it.

 

"Hey, Connor. I'm loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic."

 

Connor glared at him, tearing his gaze away from Evan. The latter started to pick at his cast nervously.

 

"It was a joke," Jared added when no one around him reacted.  
"Yeah, no, it was funny," Connor deadpanned, glaring harder. "I'm laughing my ass off right now, can't you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?"

 

Evan shook his head in defeat. Good day, they said. Just one good day, was it really too much to ask?

 

"God, you're such a freak," Jared grumbled as he still carefully took a step back, eventually disappearing down the hallway.

 

Evan watched him go before turning to look at Connor. The taller boy was fuming, jaw set and eyes sharp. He seemed to refocus on Evan when he came in his vision.

 

"Hey-" Evan started, but Connor cut him immediately.  
"What ?"  
"Jared's an idiot," he offered. "Don't- Don't listen to him."  
"I'm not a freak," Connor spat.

 

Evan blinked.

 

"Of course not."  
"He's the fucking freak!"  
"Connor-"

 

He stomped away, bumping Evan on his way out and leaving him alone in the middle of the now almost empty hallway. He took a deep breath. Tried to smoother the stress in his guts. One day he would learn to say the right thing at the right time. One day he'd learn to break the window he seemed to be locked behind.

 

Light taps came to his ears and he turned around, watching Zoe almost running to him.

 

"Hey, I'm sorry about my brother. I saw him push you. He's a psychopath," she rolled her eyes.  
"What? No, nonono, it's fine, he didn't- I was just in his way, it's fine."

 

She frowned but didn't object further.

 

"Evan, right?"

 

He blinked, frozen, unable to understand why Zoe -the Zoe- was talking to him.

 

"Evan?" he repeated.  
"That's your name, right?" she pressed.  
"Oh!" he finally realized and nodded frenetically. "Yes. Evan. It's Evan. Sorry."  
"Why are you sorry ?"

 

He was so bad at this.

 

"Well, just because you said Evan, and then I said- and then I repeated it, which is, that's so annoying when people do that?"

 

Zoe smiled and accepted the explanation, before holding out her hand.

 

"I'm Zoe."  
"I know."

 

Evan wiped his hand on his shirt, but Zoe was already pulling back.

 

"You know?" she asked, cocking her head on the side and God, she was so cute.  
"No, just," he stuttered, "I've seen you play guitar in the school jazz band. I-I love jazz band. I love jazz- not all jazz, but definitely jazz band jazz." Goddammit, Evan, get a grip on yourself. "That's so weird, I'm sorry."

 

He shut his mouth before he could word-vomit that her big brother was also his best friend and that they talked a lot about her. That was something he and Connor agreed that no one except them needed to know. Zoe laughed and for a second he wondered if it was with him or at him, but then she smiled even brighter.

 

"You apologize a lot."  
"I'm sor- Or. I mean. You know what I mean."  
"Well," she nodded, turning away, "it was nice to meet you."  
"You don't wanna sign my-"  
"What ?"

 

Evan looked down.

 

"What? Nothing. Didn't say anything."  
"..Okay."

 

Great, now she probably thought that he was crazy. She waved at him and left. Evan sighed, again. He was angry at himself again for being so awkward but at the same time, he was glad he had this conversation at all. He should tell Connor. Well, when Connor was calmed down - as calmed down as he could be - and not ready to yell at Evan for things he didn't do.

 

The bell rang, so he headed to class.

 

"It's fine, mom. ...No, really, it's okay. I'll walk. I will. Great. Yeah, no, I already finished it. I'm printing it right now. It was- yeah, it was a great day. Bye."

 

He closed his phone and glanced at his computer screen, the mouse still blinking sadly at him on the empty document. He shuffled on his chair and started typing.

 

"Dear Evan Hansen," he muttered quietly as his fingers flew across the keyboard. "Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. And I already know that this isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be ?"

 

He re-read the short paragraph, hating every word of it, but unable to change anything. The picture of Zoe trying to be nice that morning crossed his mind. He continued.

 

"I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and who doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her, maybe she would finally see me. I wish everything was different, even just a slightest bit."

 

Another pause. It was cringy, even for him. He hoped Sherman wouldn't ask him to read it out loud. He hoped Sherman wouldn't ask him to read it in general.

 

"I'm still glad for my best friend," he gritted through his teeth, fingers sticking on the keys, "who's been through everything with me for the majority of high school. He’s a great person, but I’m the only one who sees that. And we both know, if anyone saw us together, they would take the wrong idea. The worst part about all this is I don’t know how to help him and neither help myself."

 

That was probably the most honest part of the whole letter. The rest was cringy at best. Evan didn't know if he could do better than that, anyway.

 

"I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I'd just disappear tomorrow? Sincerely, your most best, and dearest friend, me," he concluded, clicking on the printing button before he could think twice about it.

 

Blank noise filled his head. He practically ghost-wrote his own text, was that really what he thought of the situation? He had no idea. He just wished everything was more simple. He wished he was more simple. He closed his laptop and put it away, then made his way to the printers.

 

Someone coughed suddenly, and Evan's head snapped to look on his right. Connor was standing there, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, one hand in his hoodie's pocket, the other fidgeting with the strap of his bag. When Evan looked at his face, he realized his eyes were rimmed in pink. For the split second, before he noticed him, Connor looked completely heartbroken.

 

"...Are you- Connor, are you okay?"  
"Am I ever okay, Hansen?" the boy laughed dryly as he faced him, but something softened in his face.  
"Good, uh, good point," he replied, uncertain, before pointing at the printer. "Do you know if-?"

 

Connor blinked and his hand in his pocket twitched.

 

"Uh, no. Your letter, right? Is that what you were printing?"  
"Trying to..." Evan frowned at the dysfunctional school equipment.  
"They fuck up sometimes," Connor shrugged. "Try to re-print it."

 

Evan did, grumbling all along about things that had no business being more complicated than they needed, and finally got his hands on his printed letter. He turned back to his friend.

 

"So..." Connor raised an eyebrow, "Sharpie?"

 

Evan pulled it out of his backpack and handed it over. Connor took it and then gently tugged the cast closer, writing his name on it big, taking as much space as he could. Evan chuckled when he glanced down at it.

 

"What are you doing, marking your property?" he said and promptly turned red when he realized the implications of what he just said.

Connor didn't seem to notice.

 

"I'm just tired of pretending that I don't know you," he simply replied, letting him go and giving back the pen with a crooked smile, but it fell from his face almost immediately. "Hey, about this morning..."  
"Oh, no, it's okay!" Evan rushed, "It's okay, I, uh, you barely touched me, I'm fine but you were not, and again I'm sorry about Jared, sometimes he can really be a douchebag and you're not a freak, Connor, okay, he's just mean and has no filter but it doesn't mean he's right-"  
"Evan," Connor sighed. "Breathe, maybe. It's fine."

 

The shorter boy's expression turned painful.

 

"Fine doesn't mean okay," he muttered, picking at his darkened cast.

 

The other rolled his eyes.

 

"Nothing about this is okay," he said quietly, bumping Evan's shoe tip with the point of his own boot. "But we're working on it, right?"  
"Yeah." A tiny smile appeared for a second on Evan's lips. "We're working on it."

 

They stayed there for a minute, something warm but heavy floating between them, ready to blow up if they as much as breathed too hard.

 

"So," Connor eventually said, "Have time to spend with you fucked-up friend before your mom comes to take you to your appointment?"  
"Actually, my mom can't make it, so. Hum. I have to walk home."  
"I have a car, you know. Come on, let's go."

 

They left the computer lab side by side, wandering down the empty hallways like two friendly ghosts haunting their own school. And it was somehow less morbid that you'd think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi ! This is a mess but I swear we have this planned ! Please leave kudos and comments !


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW : Major Character Death, Suicide

When Evan finally reached home after meeting Dr. Sherman, he couldn't help but immediately fall into the hard mattress of his couch. At this exact moment, he couldn't care much for anything.

 

It was only the first day of Senior Year and so many things already happened. First of all, he had a broken arm, then he tried asking Alana and Jared to sign his cast, which obviously failed, then Connor got angry, Zoe talked to him, he embarrassed himself- and all that, besides the broken arm, happened in one hour! The classes were kind of bearable, thankfully.

 

Evan flipped his body around so that he was facing the ceiling instead, his legs now dangling over the arm rest as his cast laid over his stomach. He lifted the arm above him, seeing Connor's name upside down.

 

Connor acted kind of strange today, something that made Evan uneasy for some reason. He couldn't identify what it was exactly that made him feel like that. He forced the thoughts out of his head, afraid that it might make him do something stupid. Connor was fine. He'd been getting better.

 

He soon stood up from the couch, grabbing his bag and climbing up the stairs to his bedroom. He flipped the light on, threw his bag once more so it landed by his bed, and immediately walked to his desk.

 

He turned on his laptop, waiting for it to load up, before immediately checking his emails, smiling when he saw a new one. He clicked on it.

 

**Dear Evan Hansen,  
We've been way too out of touch.**

 

Evan couldn't help but giggle. It was only a few hours since they last saw each other.

 

 **Things have been crazy, and it sucks that we don't talk that much.**  
**But I should tell you that I think of you each night.**  
**I rub my nipples and start moaning with delight.**

 

Evan accidentally choked on his spit when he read the last line. His cheeks flared a bright red color, and he started composing an email for Connor.

 

 **Dear Connor Murphy,**  
**What the actual fuck.**  
**Sincerely, Me**

 

It didn't take long for the other to reply.

 

**jk hyd?**

 

Evan took a minute to calm himself, wiping his face with his good hand. Hopefully his cheeks turned back to normal. Connor somehow always succeeded in making Evan flustered, all the freaking time.

 

 **Dear Connor Murphy,**  
**You do know that emails are supposed to be used more formally?**  
**Sincerely, Me**

 

**yeah, ik. did you not see that dear evan hansen shit i put in the beginning?**

 

A laugh escaped Evan's lips.

 

 **Dear Connor Murphy,**  
**Come on! It's also gonna help your English grades in the long run if you know how to properly write an email to a person, either using a formal or casual format. And it's kind of fun!**  
**Sincerely, Me**

 

**do u really think i have the time to even bring up my grades to a c by the end of the school year?**

 

Connor somehow sounded increasingly off, but Evan didn't think too much about it, brushing it off as his paranoia acting up as he composed another email.

 

 **Dear Connor Murphy,**  
**It's not that bad, try it! Even if it's just between the two of us. How has your day been?**  
**Sincerely, Me**

 

 **Dear Evan Hansen,**  
**It could have been better, let's be honest. With what happened this morning I was kind of struggling with my first class. Guess it's because I got too angry or some shit like that. Also, sorry if I scared you. Again, not my intention.**  
**Sincerely, Me**

 

 **Dear Connor Murphy,**  
**No, it's okay! Tell me more about your day. Did you take your medication? Did Larry bother you again?**  
**Sincerely, Me**

 

 **Dear Evan Hansen,**  
**Yes, I actually took my medication. Larry is still at work, so it's fine. Mom is busy talking to her friends on the phone right now, and Zoe is off to some tutoring with a senior. So I've just been chilling in my room. Haven't punched any walls today, so that's good I guess.**  
**Sincerely, Me**

 

 

Evan couldn't help but let a smile slip on his face. It has been a long process, but Connor seemed to be improving every day. A sense of pride rose from Evan's chest, and he suddenly felt more confident that this would be the year where it would go their way.

 

 **Dear Connor Murphy,**  
**I'm so proud that you're improving every day! Even if the others don't see it. Is your medication still good or do you want me to pick up more?**  
**Sincerely, Me**

 

After that email was sent, Evan quickly went to the bathroom to clean himself from the day. It didn't take long and in about three minutes he was back on the chair.

 

 **Dear Evan Hansen,**  
**No, I don't need anymore medication.**

 

That email somehow made his worries go away. For the rest of the night, the two of them sent emails to each other, even to the point where Evan began showing him pictures of trees as a joke. Because Evan was having a good time, he failed to see the slight changes in every email that Connor sent.

 

___________________________________________________________________________

 

Friday came, one of Evan's favorite days, not only because it was the last day of school for the week, but also because it was normally the day when Connor and him could hang out together. Although they could just hang out during the weekend like normal teenagers, they were not normal teenagers, especially since they always went to the orchard where no one went, ever.

 

Which is why Evan was sad to find out that Connor didn't go to school that day. He hadn't received any text message from him during the morning, and it was only during lunch period that he got a single short text from Connor, saying he was sick and couldn't come to school. Even though that sucked, it didn't upset Evan. He felt sorry and wanted to visit his best friend, but knew he couldn't because Connor didn't want his parents and, well, Zoe to know about him.

 

"Huh, freak-o didn't come to school, eh?" Jared said to him as they prepared to go to their last class of the day. Evan didn't say anything, wondering how sick Connor really was.  
"Hey, Evan, you even listening?"  
"Yeah." No, he actually wasn't.

 

Jared must have realized he wasn't gonna get any entertainment from Evan any time soon because the moment Evan found himself in front of his class, Jared was nowhere to be seen. It was English period, one of the few periods he shared with Connor.

 

Even though it was the last period, Evan couldn't help but spare a glance at Connor's seat -the one right at the corner, where no one ever bothered him at all. It was empty, like he expected. Seconds ticked by and the classroom was filling up, but there was still a bit of hope in him that Connor would be walking through that door any moment now.

 

The teacher soon came, and Connor's seat stayed empty.

 

___________________________________________________________________________

 

The walk back to his house seemed much more dreary, though it probably was because Connor wasn't there with him. It may also have been because he was kind of used to ride with Connor in his car, speeding away to the orchard or whichever place they wanted to go right after school ended.

 

He soon found himself seated on his chair, his laptop in front of him, his fingers already rushing to type in an email for Connor while trying not to make too many spelling errors.

 

 **Dear Connor Murphy,**  
**Hey! I hope you're feeling better. By the way, you have an English assignment -we have to write an essay about the things we are grateful for during the Summer, which sounds very weird now that I typed this out. Get well soon, okay? I already miss you. :)**  
**Sincerely, Me**

 

After sending the email, Evan quickly went to the kitchen to find some snacks. He knew Connor was a fast-typer, and always replied to his emails. It was something Evan found amusing about Connor, but he never said anything about it. He managed to find a small bag of Lays in the snack cupboard. He took it, noting to himself that he should go for a snack run tomorrow, before heading back upstairs.

 

Connor had not replied to him yet.

 

The sight of his inbox empty was not something Evan was used to, but he forced himself to calm down, telling himself that Connor had something to do and that was why he hadn't replied to him yet.

 

Minutes eventually turned to hours and Evan began to really worry. He had already sent a few more emails to him, hoping it was enough to send a clue that Evan was really getting worried, but still, no reply. He eventually turned to texting instead, typing a quick but frantic text to Connor. He read his text one more time before pressing send.

 

_Hey Connor?? Are you okay?? Why aren't you replying to my emails?_

 

He counted how many seconds passed as he stared down at his screen. Five minutes, and there was till no blue tick showing that Connor had read his text message.

 

A sense of panic surged through Evan. Not knowing what else to do, he typed down another message, this sending it without checking it over, then a few more.

 

 _Connor please message back._  
_At leats blue tick me or something_  
_Is this a joke?_  
_pls connor im getting scared_  
_connor??_

 

It was no use. Connor wasn't replying to him.

 

A part of him wondered if he was just overreacting, but Connor not replying to any of his messages never happened before. Maybe in the beginning of their friendship but that was it. Connor was always quick to reply.

 

Evan stared at his phone, his fingers nervously tapping on the cover. The black screen only showed his pale face, which didn't help ease the anxiety gradually rising.

 

Eventually, he decided screw it and dialed Connor's phone number, bringing it up to his ear. Evan never called due to his anxiety, and Connor understood that. They agreed that they'd only call if it was something urgent -like that specific moment. As each ring passed, Evan paced around his room, hoping to hear Connor's voice at the other end of the line, probably high or tired. Evan didn't really care if Connor ended up being angry -at least he would know he was alright.

 

His hopes were crushed when the line ended up going to voicemail.

 

Something was definitely wrong with Connor, and he didn't know what.

 

There was no way Evan could check up at his own house because 1) his family didn't even know about Evan and 2) he didn't even know his home address, saying it would be better, if Evan didn't know, to help with their secrecy. Now he wished he somehow knew.

 

He found himself staring at his calendar, hanging on the wall. The picture on top was a kid's drawing of a tree. It was a gift from Connor last year, as a joke because Evan liked trees so much.

 

The orchard.

 

Evan mentally slapped himself once the thought hit him. He knew Connor, for goodness sake! He knew that his parents wouldn't take away his phone, even as a punishment, which meant him not answering an urgent call from Evan was because he physically couldn't answer, or left the device home. He needed to be alone, and the only other place he could be alone without anyone finding him was the orchard.

 

But why would he need to be alone?

 

Scenarios began to fill his little head, and Evan paled at the thought of what Connor was about to do or probably already did. He pocketed his phone and ran out of his room, nearly falling off the stairs as he jumped down. He slipped on his shoes and practically flew out of the front door. He only stopped at the front of his porch when he realized he didn't have a vehicle to go to the orchard. He didn't have the time to run there, either. Not that he could, since he wasn't athletic to begin with.

 

Evan's eyes skimmed his front yard, finding a green rusty bicycle parked by the fence. He didn't remember where it came from, probably from Jared, but he didn't bother wasting any more time that he needed to. He unlocked the bicycle from the fence without much trouble, and began to pedal away.

 

He probably looked like a mad man cycling frantically but it was definitely much faster than walking. Although, he never actually walked there, only used Connor's beat-up car as a way of transport. It was a fast ride, and Evan spent countless times looking out the window, memorizing every sign that passed as well as the direction to and from his house and the orchard. It was something Evan didn't think he needed to memorize, but now he was really glad he did.

 

It was difficult to ride a bicycle without worrying about breaking his arm again, but he managed fine. The second he saw the fence separating the orchard from the road, he pedaled faster, nearly falling off once he pressed the brakes.

 

He saw no cars parked nearby, and for a moment Evan wondered if he was wrong about him being here. But he saw the opening of the fence pried open. Connor had told him long ago that when the orchard first closed down, he went and looked for a good spot to make another entrance. It was definitely trespassing, but Connor never got caught, and always made sure the fence was put back in place, as if it was never opened to begin with.

 

The opening, however, looked as if it was pulled back too harshly. When Evan got closer, he paled at the sight of dried blood scraped against the metal wiring.

 

Evan forced himself to ignore it and enter through the opening. Once through, he noticed the clouds above him turning grey, showing signs of rain about to come down. Evan began to run.

 

There was always this one spot both Connor and Evan liked. It was on a small hill, and a tree stood on top of it. The two had made their mark by carving their initials into the bark. There was also another tree they liked, one of the tallest. Evan didn't want to remember that, seeing as it was the same tree he fell from in the first place.

 

If Connor wasn't in that spot, it would take hours or even worse, days for Evan to search through the orchard trying to find his friend. By that time it would probably too late.

 

  
Too late for what? Evan didn't really want to know why Connor didn't answer him. There were too many possibilities and outcomes, and none of them ended up being good. However, one of them was the worst one, where Connor left not only him, but his family as well-

 

There. He noticed someone sitting down by the tree on the small hill. At that point rain had started falling, and Evan was trying to ignore how his clothes stuck against his skin. It has to be Connor. He could see his wet brown hair from anywhere.

 

Feeling hopeful once more, Evan climbed up the hill. His worry and anxiety increased every time he got closer to Connor, and he saw his head hanging low, his hair covering his face. His body was leaning dangerously to the side, and Evan managed to reach him just on time to catch him before he fell.

 

"Connor," Evan called, now realizing how cold Connor's body felt. For the first time, he noticed the cuts littered on his wrists.

 

Many were new, some still bleeding and spilling red on the ivory skin, dripping on the ground from the rain. Evan paled, and he quickly pressed two fingers against his throat.

 

Nothing.

 

"Connor- Oh god- Connor!" Evan didn't feel the tears spilling out of his eyes. In fact, he couldn't seem to feel anything except for the hard squeeze in his chest, the mad beat of his heart and the pain in his lungs.

 

But cradling Connor's body close to him, he felt nothing but pain and anger and...

 

An orange bottle caught his eye.

 

Evan probably looked like a ghost as he realized what Connor had done to himself.

 

"Connor, Connor please," Evan pleaded, pushing his hair aside to see his face clearly. His eyes were closed, and for some reason, he looked so peaceful. "I was- I thought- Fuck!"

 

The hospital. Fuck, he needed to call an ambulance!

 

He fumbled around for his phone, forcing himself to stay calm long enough to call 911.

 

"911 what's-"  
"My friend, he's dying- send an ambulance, please!" Evan told them the address, trying to keep his voice steady. The rain grew stronger, and it felt as if rocks were pelting down on him. The second they promised the ambulance was coming their way and hang up, Evan dropped his phone on the wet grass.

 

Why was this happening ? And even worse, why wasn't he surprised ?

 

No one answered. The rain only covered his cries.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW : a whole lot of Angst™

One of Heidi's greatest fears was for Evan to walk in the hospital for any other reason than to see her. She dreaded, as a nurse, _as a mom_ , to watch her son hurt beyond a scratch she could bandage away.

 

This, this right there ? Nightmare material.

 

It had been a while since she somehow convinced him to at least sit down and drink something. Not that he ever managed to take more than a few sips, nothing able to refill all the liquid he cried. Now he was just sitting there, with his legs crossed on the chair, his eyes lost in the void and his fingers tracing the plastic bottle's lines again and again, as if it was the only thing keeping him grounded. Heidi had a lot of experience with Evan breaking down, but this was a whole new level. It was the first time he went completely unresponsive.

 

She kept on rubbing circles on his back, whispering soft nonsense to him. Her pause was long finished, but thankfully no one asked for her. Maybe one of her colleagues told around that her son needed her. Maybe it was just obvious that she wouldn't be able to work as long as Evan was in catatonic shock. Maybe no one really cared. She glanced from time to time at the door where the nurses had disappeared with the stretcher.

 

She knew who Connor was, obviously. She knew he was the boy she found eating cold pizza in her kitchen at 2 AM with her insomniac son and who almost dropped his slice when she smiled at him. She knew he was the boy who rang at the door during summer days to see if Evan would come with him to take a walk, the boy who was always polite and a little shy and weirdly blunt, his fists buried deep in his pockets and his crooked smile breaking through when Evan would appear down the stairs.

 

Heidi wasn't blind. She wasn't stupid. She knew Connor was The Friend her son always talked about. She never asked, she didn't need to. It was obvious that they were good to each other. But now, she wished she didn't know the dying boy in the operating room, wished she didn't know exactly what happened, wished her baby never met Connor to begin with.

 

Alicia, one of the nurses she often worked with, eventually walked out of the room. And Heidi knew - because, see, Heidi was far from stupid, and pretty damn good at reading people - she knew, she felt that Connor didn't make it. Alicia looked at her and Heidi didn't need much more of a confirmation. She'd been there before, she knew how hard it was to break the news.

 

It was like being underwater. Everything was numb, and cold, and generally distant. Evan liked that better than any kind of sensory overload. He knew it was the shock, probably. He knew if he tried to reach out, everything would be too intense again, the truth burning him alive in and out. Right now, he preferred numbness over any kind of feeling.

 

Because, objectively, there was no chance that Connor would make it. Evan felt the lack of pulse under his fingers. He felt the cold seeping from his friend into his own body, nestling right under his heart like a chunk of ice. He knew it was a thing that happened every day, and that unless for a miracle there would be no tomorrow. _There would be nothing left._

 

His mom said something. He noted, distantly, detached from reality, that there were tears in his own eyes again. And the ice under his heart migrated toward his throat, blocking the air, blocking the scream on its way out. She squeezed his hands and talked to him, but he was far, very far from the hospital.

 

He had failed. Connor was dead and it was all his fault, because he failed to see that he was losing himself again, because he failed to see that he wasn't doing fine. And now he had to live in world without Connor, a world were he was nothing more than a failure again.

 

His mom must have forced him out of his chair, because he was walking by her side towards the exit. He stumbled over his own feet, glad that at least she didn't let him fall. It probably took them a long time to reach the sliding doors of the hospital, and stepping out felt awfully like giving up. A small group of people rushed in, and looking down Evan got a glimpse of star-covered jean cuffs.

 

Then his mom hushed him in the car and the door slammed violently.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

Evan was allowed to skip school for a few days.

 

He didn't know if he liked it or not. On one side, he wasn't ready to show up to school when everything and nothing pushed him over the edge and made him break down, gasp for air through the sobs, claw at his cast as if he could rip it off his arm, pull on his hair until his head ached or just lay on the ground, waiting for the panic attack to end. So he was content to stay at home and do nothing of his day.

 

But on the other end, there was everything else. The pitiful looks his mom was sending his way when she thought he wouldn't notice ; the loneliness, the fact that he couldn't even call Connor to talk about it like he used to because _there was no Connor to talk to_ ; the fact that nobody was there to share the absolute pain he found himself in. But worst of all, the denial : the certitude that it was all a nightmare, that he would eventually wake up and everything would be fine, that Connor would be alive and doing just fine, and Evan wouldn't be dying of culpability and sadness.

 

He wanted to break things, rip stuff in half, annihilate absolutely everything he was supposed to love because what was the point ? What was even the point if he couldn't share it with the one person that would understand ?

 

At the end of the fifth day, though, Heidi decided that isolation wasn't going to do him any more good, so Evan had to go back to school the next morning. He wished she would just let him mourn in peace, but he shut his mouth and made his bag, because confronting her pity was just beyond him.

 

It was so surreal to walk back in the building and everything was the exact same as he left it. The same people with the same faces and same friends at the same spot. Like Connor's disappearance didn't mean anything. Like he didn't matter.

 

Cold anger started to grow inside of him.

 

The other students must have noticed because he realized they were steering away from him, giving him space as he unintentionally walked in the middle of the hallway. When Evan looked up, he accidentally made eye-contact with a student, probably a Sophomore. How bizarre it was that she looked down, like she didn't mean to stare for so long.

 

It was... unusual. He should have been the one avoiding anyone's gaze as he walked down the hall. He'd always been the one that no one paid attention to- they never had a reason before.

 

His bag suddenly felt a million times heavier.

 

"Evan !" 

 

He silently yelped as a hand smacked his shoulder. Turning around, he saw Jared walking beside him. The shorter guy had his usual smirk on his face, but it somehow didn't feel the same. It looked more forced. Evan looked up, meeting his _family friend_ 's eyes and, to his surprise, he could kind of see the worry in them. He didn't think too much about it as he swatted his hand away, surprising the other boy.

 

"Do you need something ?" Evan asked, his voice slightly hoarse from the lack of use for the past few days. Jared seemed to notice the difference almost immediately and frowned. Evan didn't react, keeping a straight face as Jared opened and closed his mouth repeatedly, not knowing what to say. Which was a shocker, because Jared always had something to say. 

 

"Were you sick or something ? You were gone for, like, a whole week." There was awkwardness in his voice, in the way he shifted. Evan noticed his fingers tangling the wire of his headphones at his side. He could also see how he was trying to avoid eye-contact, yet somehow always glanced back at him before looking away again. Evan wasn't used to see Jared so nervous. There should have been a better reaction on his part to this unusual behavior, but he was just too tired. 

 

"Yeah. Yeah, I just... Personal business, ya know ?" Evan shrugged lamely, hoping that the conversation would just end there and then. Of course, nothing ever went with Evan's wishes and he felt Jared nudging him on the arm, urging him to spill it out. " _Come ooon_ , dude. You got yourself a disease or some shit ? Your mom didn't even tell my mom what happened." 

 

Evan silently thanked his mother. "Got into an accident, that's all. Had to stay in the hospital for a while." He wasn't technically lying, but he still felt a heavy tug on his heart. "It's not like you care, anyway."

 

Jared's shoulder line tensed- Evan could see it from the corner of his eye. It was not like he could tell he wasn't telling the whole truth, right?

 

Thankfully, the shorter boy eventually dropped the subject, turning instead to another one that Evan dreaded somehow more.

 

"Anyway. Freak-o hasn't been here as well. Not that anyone cared, but it's actually been pretty fucking peaceful. Wished you were here, you would enjoy the silence of not hearing Big Bro Murphy yelling at his teachers because he's a little shit."

 

Evan bit his tongue, hard, to prevent words from breaking free. He wanted Jared to stop talking. He wanted to tell him that he had no right to talk bad about Connor. But he didn't. Instead, he clenched his teeth, the taste of copper slowly filling his mouth.

 

Jared didn't know anything about his best friend, not even the fact that he was... dead. Connor was dead, and no one in school even knew, except for Evan. Another wave of anger rushed through his blood, spreading like wildfire.

 

He tuned out Jared's voice, only humming in reply when he really needed to. His mind was somewhere else, his eyes looking nowhere yet everywhere at the same time. All he could hear was everybody's voices overlapping with one another, but leaving him unable to decipher any of their sentences. It was white noise. Background ruckus. It didn't matter.

 

It didn't matter.

 

His eyes skimmed mindlessly through the students in the hall, until he saw her. Zoe. Favorite to the crown in the Murphy kingdom, and now only heir.

 

Evan didn't know what to feel upon seeing her walking down the hall. She almost looked... normal, holding a pink binder close to her chest and a pair of earphones around her neck. She almost looked bored as she tucked away a strand of hair that was tickling her nose. He wanted to hate her for fitting in so well, while he was completely crushed by the last trick Fate pulled on them. It was just unfair.

 

Normally, he would have felt nervous and anxious near her. It had always been like that, ever since he first saw her perform on stage during Sophomore year. However, once she had finally walked by them, there was only one feeling left in her path.

 

He was furious.

 

"Evan ? You okay, bud ?"

 

Connor had committed suicide. Evan was the one who cried. He was the one who had found his body in the only place where his friend felt like he belonged. He was the one who was at the hospital, waiting for the end of a nightmare he didn't seem to wake up from. He was the one who felt like his heart was torn to pieces the moment he realized Connor was gone.

 

Yet Zoe acted as if it was nothing. Zoe didn't even seem to care that her older brother was dead. Normal, perfect Zoe. If only he could tell her.

 

"Evan!"

 

"What?!" It wasn't a yell, but it was sharp, aggressive. Evan pushed Jared's hand away when he felt it on his shoulder again. His chest felt tight, and when he saw Jared's face, it somehow fueled more his anger.

 

Jared looked confused. Of course. 

 

"Did you... take your meds ?" 

 

"Of course I did." Evan hissed under his breath. He entered his classroom without another word, leaving the other boy behind.

 

He sat down at the very back, beside the window. He placed his right arm on the table and laid his head down, covering his eyes, trying to avoid the chatter and the bright lights of the room.

 

"Excuse me, this is my seat." 

 

Evan looked up, seeing a classmate he vaguely recognized -though didn't know the name of-standing beside him. There was a moment of annoyance on his face until it turned to shock. Evan probably looked like a mess.

 

"I.. Uh..."

 

A short silence. The boy shrugged his bag off his shoulder, grimacing a fake smile in his direction.

 

"You can stay there." His classmate decided to say before taking another seat.

 

Evan didn't know what happened. Didn't even wonder about it as he just continued to lay his head on the desk, his left arm hanging on the side.

 

It wasn't even first period, and he was already exhausted.

 

____________________________________________________________________________

 

"Evan Hansen to the main office. Evan Hansen, to the main office."

 

He jumped at the mention of his name. The teacher interrupted her monologue, raising an eyebrow in his direction in a silent invitation to leave the class. He grabbed his books as fast as he could and almost rushed out, anxiety flaring up under the stare of twenty-seven students.

 

His hands were shaking slightly by the time he made his way to the administration. What did he do ? Did Jared complain about how agressive he was ? No, why would Jared go to the principal for that, it was ridiculous. Maybe someone lost his academic record, like last year, and they needed him to fill an identification sheet again. Maybe it was-

 

"Hi, I was called for, for..." he started, glancing at the secretary, but she cut him with a soft huff and a pitiful wince, like she already knew why he was here.

 

"Mr. Howard would like to see you, honey," she simply said, pushing him towards a semi-open door.

 

The Murphys were here. His heart raced in his chest, beating against his ribs like it was trying to fly away. His hands started sweating. For a short second, he hoped he could spin on his feet and run away, but then Cynthia turned on her chair to look at him and... He couldn't.

 

He couldn't run away. Not when he recognized a pain similar to his own in the eyes of the grieving mother. For some reason, it didn't make him feel better.

 

"Uh...Is Mr. Howard...?" he asked, blinking as he looked at the room, unable to spot the principal anywhere.

 

Mr Murphy stood up, looking embarrassed. Mrs Murphy covered her mouth in an attempt to stifle a sob. Evan took another step back.

 

"Mr. Howard is, uh, he stepped out," Mr Murphy eventually blurted out.

 

"Oh," was all Evan found to say.

 

"We wanted to speak to you in private. If you’d like to maybe..." he gestured in the last chair's general direction, and Evan hesitantly took a seat. "We’re, uh...we’re Connor’s parents."

 

He nodded nervously. He was well aware of that, from Zoe's Instagram, and from Connor's long rants about them. They watched each other quietly, awkwardly waiting for a reaction on both sides. Eventually, Mrs Murphy pulled a piece of paper out of her bag, handling it carefully, like it meant the world to her. She unfolded it and turned it around so he could see.

 

Evan flinched. Blood ran cold in his veins. This was the letter. _His_ letter.

 

"Why don’t you go ahead, honey?" Mr Murphy pressed.

 

"I’m going as fast as I can," she replied, bitter and sad.

 

"That’s not what I said, is it?" he snapped back.

 

They didn't look at each other. Mrs Murphy took a deep breath and handed the sheet to Evan, who took it with sweaty hands. There was no confusion possible, it was his letter. The one that he had trouble printing.

 

"This is," she continued as he scanned it, "Connor...he wanted you to have this."

 

He kept his eyes on the note. " _Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. And I already know that this isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be ?_ " No, that wasn't right. It couldn't be right, he was the one who wrote this. How did Connor manage to get his hands on this? " _I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and who doesn’t know me._ " Those were his words, the ones he typed in the computer lab. " _The worst part about all this is I don’t know how to help him and neither help myself._ "

 

"We didn't..." Mr Murphy insisted, "We hadn't heard your name before, Connor never- but then we saw... 'Dear Evan Hansen'.”

 

How did Connor manage to get his hands on this?!

 

"He, um, he gave this to you?" Evan asked too quietly, confused to no end.

 

"We didn’t know that the two of you were friends." His head snapped up at that. "We didn't think that Connor had any friends. And then we see this note and it’s, it seems to suggest pretty clearly that you and Connor were, or at least for Connor, he thought of you as..." he pointed to the paper, "I mean it’s right there. 'Dear Evan Hansen.' It’s addressed to you. He wrote it to you."

 

"You think this is, you think Connor wrote this. To me ?" he almost laughed, because it was just too absurd, just too _wrong_.

 

"These are the words he wanted to share with you," Mrs Murphy confirmed as she dabbed her face with a tissue. "His...last words."

 

"This is what he wanted to leave you with," Mr Murphy added.

 

"His last words ?" Evan repeated, his fingers growing numb.

 

"Connor, uh... Connor took his own life."

 

He nearly burst into tears right on the spot. It was one thing to know the facts ; it was completely different to hear it from someone else. Connor's disappearance had an impact, after all. This wasn't just him who was hit by the violence of the act. He would probably have started to hyperventilate, Evan thought distantly, if he was breathing in the first place.

 

"This all we found him with. He had it folded up in his pocket," the man continued, undisturbed by his lack of response. "You can see he's...he wanted to explain it, why he was... ' _I wish that everything was different. I wish I were a part of something. I wish what I said mattered to anyone._ '"

 

"Larry, stop."

 

Everything was blurry and unfocused. He couldn't breathe, barely think. By reflex, he forced the air in, trying to count down like Connor taught him to do when he was having a panic attack, but Connor wasn't here to count with him, Connor wasn't here anymore, he had to get it together by himself. A deep, shaky breath. A second one.

 

"But that’s.... this isn’t.... Connor, um, Connor didn’t write this," he whispered, and it was a miracle that they caught any of that.

 

"What does that mean ?" she asked, her own respiration catching up as if she was about to cry too.

 

He forced the air out. Then in again.

 

"Connor didn’t, he didn’t write this," he insisted when he felt his voice steady enough and the panic retreating.

 

"What does he mean ?" she asked her husband.

 

"He’s obviously in shock."

 

"No ! I just- he didn't."

 

"But it’s right here !" she cried, jabbing a finger at the letter.

 

He stood up by reflex, trying to escape her invasive presence. He needed to get out of there.

 

"I’m sorry, I should just, can I please go now?"

 

"If this isn’t- if Connor didn’t write this..?" Mrs Murphy said, standing up herself.

 

"Cynthia, please, calm down."

 

"I should go."

 

As he tried to make a run to the door, she managed to grab his cast and tug him back, more violently than necessary. Evan winced but didn't as much as whimper. He turned to face the two of them.

 

"But did he say anything to you? Did you see anything?"

 

"Cynthia, honey, this is not the time-"

 

"This is all we have!" Cynthia screamed. "This is all we have left!"

 

She looked back at Evan, tugging once more, and when he couldn't fight back a flinch of pain her eyes landed on the cast, like she just realized he was wearing one. They widened when her fingers uncovered the name displayed black on white.

 

"Larry, look. His cast," she smiled, out of nowhere, her hands leaving definitively his arm. "His best and most dearest friend."

 

Evan didn't know what to do. He looked at Cynthia, and only saw desperation. He looked at Larry, and only saw confusion. He looked down at his cast, where Connor had decided to mark his name in bold letters, a symbol of a friendship he didn't want to hide anymore.

 

"Yes," he eventually said, because there was no point in fighting.


End file.
